Phillip







episode one


the first time we met


it was cold and it was raining

it was in amsterdam


at the old film academy

which

was tucked into a courtyard and

hidden from the street by two black doors


i pushed through the two big black doors

and headed down a long, desolate alleyway


i pushed through two more dirty glass doors and entered the building


it was cold

it was dank

and it smelled like rancid piss


to the left was a door that led to an illegal, vegetarian, hippy, squat restaurant

which - was closed


to the right was a door that led to the bathrooms

which- were clearly responsible for the rancid piss smell


i walked past the empty restaurant on my left

past the bathrooms on my right

and headed down the long, desolate hallway


i pushed through two more big black doors and entered the back room


it was damp

it was dank

it was pitch black

and i was completely alone


as my eyes began to adjust

i saw

small, sparkling, twinkling, flickering lights

here there and everywhere


on the floor

on the ceiling

on the walls


as my eyes began to adjust

i saw him

i saw Phillip


he was being chased and he was being questioned


he was laughing and he was screaming

he was giggling and he was moaning


he was shattered into a thousand pieces


trapped inside glass boxes

running across the pages of glass books

jumping up and down on a pile of crushed glass


everything on him and about him was a bright beautiful vivid blue


his face

his hands

his hair

his sweater 

his shirt 

his tie 

his pants 

his shoes 


everything

except his eyes

which were a bright beautiful spring green

and his lips

which were blood red


he looked like a child

he looked like a prince

he looked like a super-hero


and it was the biggest feeling i ever had








episode two


the next time

the second time we met


it was cold and raining

it was in amsterdam


at the old film academy

which

was tucked into a courtyard

hidden from the street by two black doors


once again i made my way

through the two big black doors

down the long desolate alleyway

through the two dirty glass doors

and into the building


i made my way

past the illegal vegetarian hippy squat restaurant

past the bathrooms

down the long desolate hallway

and into the black back room


everything was

just like the first time


except this time

the second time


it was warm

it was dry

and it didn’t smell like rancid piss


the toilets were bright, clean, and freshly painted 


the illegal vegetarian hippy squat restaurant

was alive and full with people

some standing, some sitting

some eating, some drinking,

some smoking, some talking, some laughing 


the back room was also full of people

some standing, some sitting, some lying on the floor

some talking, some drinking, some smoking


as my eyes began to adjust


i saw that bright, beautiful, vivid blue

here there and everywhere


sparkling, twinkling, flickering

like a tiny flashing jewel


once again

he looked like a child

he looked like a prince

he looked like a super-hero


and once again


it was the biggest feeling i ever had 









episode three


the next time

the third time we met

it was cold and it was raining


it was in amsterdam

in a grande turn of the century apartment building

that housed single individuals and a branch of the city library

and felt more like vienna than amsterdam


i pushed through two big shiny glass doors

and entered the lobby

which

was covered in bright white marble


one the floors

one the ceiling

on the walls


there were bushy tropical plants

here there and everywhere


and white wicker furniture

that creaked and moaned


it was warm

it was super clean and

and it smelled slightly antiseptic


to the left was a door that led to a quaint little dining room for the residents

which

was closed


to the right were two tiny french elevators


straight ahead was a great grande white marble staircase 


and behind the staircase was a bright beautiful detailed stained glass window


i made my way one flight up the stairs

turned right

and headed down the long desolate hallway


i didn’t see anyone

or hear anything

except my own breathing

and the sound of my shoes clicking and clacking their way down the hall


at the end of the hallway

i pushed through a single white door

and entered the small, immaculate,

one bedroom apartment


the walls were painted bright white

and the windows were sparklingly clean


there was a simple wooden table

a vase filled with fresh flowers and

a glass of water that had had been tipped over


there was

a wooden chair

a leather sitting chair


a double bed

wrapped in finely pressed bright white sheets

and a wardrobe

stuffed with finely pressed bright white underwear


as my eyes adjusted

i saw

that bright beautiful vivid blue

the spring green eyes

and the blood red lips


he was

balancing on the collar of his pajamas

floating in a sink full of milk

cowering in the corner of his wardrobe

and bouncing and flying

back and forth between the sparklingly clean windows


we didn’t say a word, but we knew

right then and there


that we would meet again and again and again 








episode four


the next time

the fourth time we met

it was cold and it was snowing


it was in rotterdam

in an old school building


i pushed through two big glass doors

and entered the lobby

which

was warm, dry and smelled slightly musty


straight ahead there was a great grand gray stone staircase

and behind the staircase was a bright beautiful stained glass window


i made my way one flight up the stairs

turned right

and headed down the long and desolate hallway


at the end of the hallway

i pushed through two big gold doors

and entered the back room

which

was painted bright white

and had sparklingly clean windows


i looked down and there he was

slipping and sliding

i looked left and there he was

laughing and screaming

i looked right and there he was

giggling and moaning


i looked up and there he was

wearing

white woolly underpants

a white woolly top

and a white woolly hat


he was

attached to cables

that were attached to wheels

that were attached to the ceiling

that were attached to cables

that were attached to plastic buckets

filled with bricks and stones


he was listening to his own breathing

seeing me

smelling and tasting potential

and feeling alive and at one with the universe


he smiled

moonlight

bouncing and screaming off of his hair, skin, eyes and smile


i smiled back


i took off

my hat

my gloves

my scarf

my jacket

my shoes

my shirt

my pants

my undershirt

my underpants

and my socks

and i waited...


listening to my own breathing

seeing him

smelling and tasting potential

and feeling a little overwhelmed








episode five


the next time

the fifth time we met

it was cold and it was raining


it was in the hague

in an old movie house


another set of doors

another lobby

another staircase

another long desolate hallway

another

black

back

room


which

was dark

and covered on one wall with a mirror


there was the table

the chair

the bed

wrapped in finely pressed bright white sheets

and a suitcase

stuffed with finely pressed bright white underwear

rolls of toilet paper

a bar of lavender soap

tins of canned food

and bottle after bottle of sparkling water


one the table and under the bed


phillip was

balancing on the collar of his pajamas

cowering in the corner of his suitcase

and bouncing and flying

back and forth between the sparkling bottles water


there were teeny tiny yellow soldiers

here there and everywhere


on the table

on the chairs

on the bed

in the bed

under the bed

in the suitcase

and

lining the perimeter the room


and they were waiting,

just waiting...







episode six


the next time,

the sixth time we met

it was another cold and rainy day in another black back room.


/but this time - it was all there/


-or-


and it was all there



that bright beautiful vivid blue

those bright beautiful spring green eyes

and those cherry red lips


the hat

the gloves

the scarf

the jacket

the sweater

the shoes


the shirt

the under shirt

the pants

the underpants

and the socks


the lavender soap

the tins of canned food

the bottles of water

the tiny soldiers

the toilet paper


the table

the chairs

the bed


the suitcase


and the waiting and flying


the flying, the talking, dancing

and the waiting...







episode seven


the next time,

the seventh time we met

it was hot as hell


and it was in helsinki







episode eight


the next time

the eighth time we met

we were back in amsterdam

his face was blood red

and he looked like a pig floating in milk







episode nine


the next time

the ninth time we met


everything on him and about him was blood red

he looked like a dancing pig

trapped and thrashing 

in a tiny disco cage







episode ten


the next time

the tenth time we met

it was warm and it was sunny


it was in amsterdam

at the old film academy


which

as we know by now

was tucked into a courtyard and hidden from the street by two big black doors


everything was just like the second time

which was a lot like the first time

except this time

the tenth time


the back room

was bright white

and filled with a labyrinth of white walls.


i made my way through the maze of walls

and eventually found him

standing under his own image

grinding a series of complex questions down to a single thought







episode eleven


the next time, the eleventh time we met

it was cold and dry

it was once again on one of the oldest and narrowest streets in amsterdam


he had a bottle of polish vodka in his left hand

and an empty glass in his left hand


and he was proposing a toast


he was proposing a toast to something big, to something bold


he was proposing a toast to God

to whatever and wherever he or it may be


he was proposing a toast to something truly sensational

he was proposing a toast to listening, looking, smelling, tasting and feeling


he was proposing a toast to something delicious, to something sweet, to something fine

he was proposing a toast to

you

to me

to us

to the world

to the universe

to the big bang


he was proposing a toast to something bigger than the big bang


he was proposing a toast to freedom

to whatever and wherever he, she or it may be

to an idea or an ideal?

to a freedom a physical sensation or a state of being?

to something we are born with or something we learn?


he said

i don’t know


so let’s stop thinking

and let’s start drinking

and we did







episode twelve


the next time

the twelfth time we met

it wasn’t warm

it wasn’t cold

it was

like goldie locks

it was just right


in gloucester, massachusetts

which is an old decaying, slowly decomposing fishing village on the atlantic coast


i made my way out of the train

and out of the center of town

and headed down a long desolate road


to the left were abandoned fish factories

to the right was the sea


at the end of the road

looked right and there was the sea and the setting sun

i looked left and there he was


a still solitary silhouette

standing on the roof of the old ice factory


he looked like a child without a mother

like a prince without a crown

like a super hero without a cape


framed by the setting sun


everything on him and about him

slowly turned


from bright blue

to deep violet

to dusty pink

to blood red

to lemon yellow

to charcoal gray

to ink black


both he and the sun disappeared

only to come back a short time later







episode thirteen


the next time

the thirteenth time we met

it was warm and it was sunny


it was on green street in

cambridge massachusetts


i pushed through a big heavy green door

and entered the building


i pushed through another big heavy black door

and made my way one flight up a set of stairs

which were covered with a faded matted carpet


i pushed though one more black door

and headed down a long a desolate hallway

which was covered with a faded matted carpet

i pushed through one more black door and entered the back room

which

was dark

and covered on one wall with a mirror


the room was full of people

some standing, some sitting, some lying on the floor


phillip was standing in the middle of the crowd

just dreaming wondering and remembering to remember that everything always has something to do with something


he was listening to his own breathing

seeing me

smelling and tasting potential

and feeling alive and at one with the universe


he smiled

and

he shook his head

he said shhhhhhh


he shook his head

he said “yes”

he said “yes sir”


he shook his head

he said i don’t know

he said “peace brother/ peace man”


he shook his head

he said “no”

he said “fuck you”


he coiled up like a fern

unfurled like a flag

and flew


he coiled up like a fern behind the back

unfurled a hello

bubbled down/hunkered down

and flew


he picked it up

threw it down

threw it back

looked back

rolled his shoulder

closed and opened (like a book)

took a look around,

and took another look around


he reached back

pulled back

lurched back

lurched front

looked front

looked up


swallowed down

and hiccuped up


he cleared his throat

he smiled

and he waited


and he left, only to come back a short time later







episode fourteen


the next time, the 14th time we met

was a lot like the 13th time

only better



he said

it has something to do with listening

it has something to do with looking

it has something to do with smelling and tasting

it has something to do with feeling

it has something to do with drinking

it has something to do with thinking

it has something to do with going

it has something to do with meeting

it has something to do with being

it has something to do with laughing and screaming

it has something to do with giggling and moaning

it has something to do with dreaming

it has something to do with wondering

it has something to do with remembering to remember

that every thing and every one

always has something to do with something







episode fifteen



the next time we meet


everything on him and about him

will be a bright beautiful spring green


i think i hope

he will be cheerful

he will Strive to be happy

he will just go placidly amid the noise and the haste

and remember what peace there may be in silence


he will be on good terms with all people

as far as possible, without surrender


he will take kindly to the council of the years

and gracefully surrender the things of youth


beyond a healthy discipline

he will be gentle with himself


he will not blind himself to what virtue there is

nor he will he be cynical about love


with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams

it is still a beautiful world

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should


the next time we meet he will be

alive and at one with the universe


he will have died and gone to heaven

but what is heaven?


what if heaven was tucked into a courtyard and hidden from the street by two big black doors?

what if everything and everyone in heaven was a bright beautiful spring green?

what if “the light” was the sparkle of a disco ball?


what if heaven was an idyllic, eternal discotheque caught in perpetual springtime?







episode sixteen


the next time

the fifteenth we met

he said

do you remember the first time we met?


i said

of course

i remember every

sound

sight

smell and

taste

and it was the biggest feeling i ever had


-


the last time we met

he said

do you remember the last time met?


i said

of course


we were just

listening

looking

smelling

tasting

feeling

drinking

thinking

meeting

going

being

laughing

screaming

giggling

moaning

dreaming

wondering

and remembering to remember


that everything and everyone

always has something to do with something.


and it was the biggest feeling i ever had


the last time we met

he said

do you remember

that

the last time we met

i said

one day -

someday -

when we meet

everything on me and about me

will be a bright beautiful spring green

i will be alive and at one with the universe no less than the starts and the trees


i said

yes, i remember


and he said


well ....

the next time we meet

everything on me and about me will be a bright beautiful spring green

i will be trapped in a cycle of perpetual springtime


i will have died

and gone to heaven.


i said

i remember, i know...


i said

do you remember that one time, when we met

you said, you knew right then and there

that we would meet again and again and again?


he said

yes i remember


i said

i think 

i hope

the next time we meet

we will just go placidly amidst the noise and the haste

and remember what peace there may be in silence


he said

i think

i hope

the next time we meet

we will be cheerful

that we will strive to be happy.


i said

i think

i hope

the next time we meet

you will be on good terms with all people

as far as possible, without surrender


he said

the next time we meet

i will have taken kindly to the council of the years

and gracefully surrendered the things of youth


i said

beyond a healthy discipline

please

be gentle with yourself


he said

the next time we meet

i will not blind myself to what virtue there is

nor will i be cynical about love


i will be alive and at one with the universe

no less than the stars and the trees


i said

with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams

it is still a beautiful world


he said

and

no doubt

the universe is unfolding just as it should


and then


he said


but

what if everything we ever imagined

about

the long tunnel

the bright white light

the pearly gates,

the angel gabriel

the book of judgment,

the fluffy white clouds,

the choir of flying angels

singing songs of perpetual praise and peace,

the scantily clad cherubs playing lutes and harps and ..

all that stuff


what if it was all

a big fat lie?



i said

but

what if

heaven is

bigger

bolder

more sensational

sweeter

finer

freer

than anything we ever imagined?


i said

what if everyone and everything in heaven

is a bright beautiful spring green?


i said

what if heaven is like an eternal discotheque trapped in perpetual springtime?


he said

i think i need a drink


i said

me too


he said

i would like to propose a toast


i said

to me?


he said

to you?

to me?

to us?

to the world?

to the universe?

to the big bang?


he said

i would like to propose a toast

to heaven

to whatever and wherever he, she or it may be.


i said

to heaven!


i said

everything is going to be just fine


he said

are you sure?


i said

you know

it’s time to go


he said

i know


i said

go

but be careful

be beautiful

but be yourself


laughing

screaming

giggling

moaning


keep dreaming

keep wondering and

remember to remember

that one time, the 3rd time that we met, you said you knew right then and there that we would meet

again and again and again...


he said

i think, i hope it will be quick


i said

i think, i hope it will be beautiful.



i said

come on

its time to go


he said

i know


i took off

his hat

his scarf

his gloves

his jacket

his sweater

his shirt and his undershirt

his shoes

his socks

his pants and his underpants


and i waited


listening to my own breathing

seeing the future

smelling and tasting spring

and feeling completely overwhelmed

and feeling completely calm


and he left


flying so fast i couldn’t believe it


everything on him and about him was

bright white and crystal clear


i couldn’t believe it

he was gone


alive and at one with the universe


flying so fast i couldn’t believe it


the wind whipping my skin

the light burning my eyes


it was the biggest feeling i ever had

so fast i couldn’t believe it


the wind ripped off

my hat, my scarf, my gloves, my jacket, my sweater, my shirt, my shoes, my pants, my undershirt, my underpants


it ripped the hair from my head

sapped the color from my skin

peeled the skin from my muscles

and tore the muscles from my bones


i was crying,

i was drooling,

i was sweating,

i was pissing,

i was shitting,

i was cumming, and i was going


floating and flying

grunting and groaning,

dripping and leaking

releasing everything in me

on me and about me

oozing a bright white crystal clear reflective silver


flying so fast i couldn’t believe itÇ


flying over the tree tops

flying through the fluffy white clouds


flying through a long tunnel

into a bright white light


through two pearly gates


passing the angel gabriel on my left

passing a choir of angels on my right


all that stuff

i couldn’t believe it was true


and suddenly i stopped

suspended in space and time



because he said he knew that we would meet again and again and again...


and i waited

listening to my own breathing

seeing the future

smelling and tasting spring

and feeling completely overwhelmed

and feeling completely calm


when i get there

and we meet again


i think heaven is a little like the

1st time we met

because everything was fresh and new

and unknown


i think heaven is a little like the

2nd time

because the 2nd time was a lot like the 1st time.


i think heaven is a little like the

3rd time

because we didn’t say a word

but we knew that we would meet again and again and again...


i think heaven is a little like the

4th time

because after i took off

my hat

my gloves

my scarf

my jacket

my sweater

my shoes

my shirt

my pants

my socks

my undershirt

and my underpants


because i

waited


because i

listened to my own breathing

saw the future

smelled and tasted potential

and felt a little overwhelmed.

a little like a child

a little like a prince

a little like a super hero

a little like an angel

a little like a god



i think heaven is a little like the

5th time

because there were soldiers here there and everywhere


i think heaven is a little like the

6th time

because it was all there


i think heaven is a little like the

7th time

because it was hot as hell


i think heaven is a little like the

8th time

because i gave up control


i think heaven is a little like the

9th time

because the 9th time was a lot like the 8th time only better.


i think heaven is a little like the

the 10th time

because everything was new, bright white and crystal clear


i think heaven is a little like the

the 11th time

because once and for all it was one for all and all for one.


i think heaven is a little like the

12th time

because the sun was setting.


i think heaven is a little like the

the 13th time

because because he was standing in the center of the room..


“coiling up like a fern



i think heaven is a little like the

14th time

because the 14th time was a lot like the 13th time.


i think heaven is a lot like the last time we met

because the the last time we met i said


i said


what if

heaven is

bigger

bolder

more sensational

sweeter

finer

freer

than anything we ever imagined?


i said

what if everyone and everything in heaven

is a bright beautiful spring green?


i said

what if heaven is like an eternal discotheque trapped in perpetual springtime?



and it is

unfolding just as it should


again and again and again...







episode seventeen


welcome back

the last time

the seventeenth we met

we were dead

we were in heaven 

and everything and everyone was a bright beautiful spring green


life is a dream

so we meet again

but this time we meet in the past


we go backwards into the future

to the moment

when everything was freer than anything we ever imagined


to the moment

when everything was bright white and crystal clear

and the air was so clean and so dry that it felt like it could snap


we go backwards into the future

to the moment

just after he said

i think i hope it will be quick


we go backwards into the future

to the moment

just before

the wind tore the hat from his head

the gloves from his hands

the scarf from his neck

the coat, sweater and shirt from his back

the shoes and socks from his feet

the pants from his legs

the t-shirt from his chest

and the underpants from his crotch


to the moment

just before

he was crying,

he was drooling,

he was sweating,

he was pissing,

he was shitting,

he was cumming, and he was going

and he was gone



to the moment

just before

the sounds left his ears

the sights left his eyes

the smells left his nose

the tastes left his mouth

the feelings left his body


to the moment

just before

the wind tore the hair from his head

sapped and sucked the color from his skin

peeled the skin from his muscles

pulled the muscles from his bones.

ripped his bones from his being


to the moment

just before

the air left his lung

the blood left his veins

the beat left his heart


to the moment

just before

the bright white light

seared his ears

scorched his eyes

toasted his nose

burned his tongue

and set fire to his body



life is a dream


so take off  your hat

your gloves

your scarves

your jackets

your shirts and your undershirts

your shoes

your socks

your pants

and your underpants


help me to remember when everything was bright white and crystal clear

and the air was so clean and so dry that it felt like it could snap


the day he was born


the sky was a bright beautiful vivid blue

everything was ice cold, bright white and crystal clear


bright white sunlight was streaming, screaming and yelling at the snow

the snow was streaming, screaming and yelling the light back into the sky


from the day he was born

he sounded like a prince

looked like a super hero

smelled like a warrior

tasted like a god

and felt like an angel


his legs were like thick veiny roots

his torso was like a stout gnarly trunk

his arms were like blood engorged branches

his hands were like soft floppy leaves

his face was like a placid delicate flower

his fantasies, fears, desires, and anxieties were like over ripe fruit


throughout his life

his roots gnawed voraciously through black soil and burning orange liquid

his trunk grew layers of golden rings

his branches flowed from his heart and wended their way into every conceivable direction

his leaves waved freely in the open air and drank in the sun

his flowers burst open with whispering words and melodies

his fruit dropped to the ground in a giddy free fall of abandon

his seeds dropped and planted themselves

along his mad and endless quest to define and defend his own sense of freedom


the day he died


he put on his under pants

his undershirt

his pants

his socks and shoes

his shirt, sweater and jacket

his scarf

his gloves and his hat


he went outside and

he sat waist deep in snow 

under a naked tree


the sky was a bright beautiful vivid blue

everything was ice cold, bright white and crystal clear


and the air was so clean and so dry that it felt like it could snap ay any moment and shatter into pieces


and he waited


listening to his final breath 

listening for his name

hearing  a choir of angels

seeing everything and everyone

looking back on a colorful past

looking forward to a bright white future

looking for a sign

looking at a void

smelling potential

tasting  fear and feeling alive


he died


sensing that something really big was happening

reaching for air

touching his heart

and

grasping his moment

when the wind

tore the hat from his head

the gloves from his hands

the scarf from his neck

the coat, sweater and shirt from his back

the shoes and socks from his feet

the pants from his legs

the t-shirt from his chest

and the underpants from his crotch


he died


admitting that he was terrified

denying that that he ever had any doubts

accepting that this was his final episode

he was crying,

he was drooling,

he was sweating,

he was pissing,

he was shitting,

he was cumming, and he was going

and he was gone


he died


laughing at himself

crying for himself

when the sounds left his ears

the sights left his eyes

the smells left his nose

the tastes left his mouth

the feelings left his body


he died


feeling tired

dwelling on the past

pondering the future

desiring comfort

when the wind

tore the hair from his head

sapped and sucked the color from his skin

peeled the skin from his muscles

pulled the muscles from his bones.

ripped his bones from his being


he died


hoping it would be quick

praying it would be beautiful

begging for forgiveness

as the air left his lung

the blood left his veins

the beat left his heart


he died when he was eleven years old




to be continued...